Office hours [all day]

[sith_happened]

A week away without the baby? Anakin had loved it, even if he had begun feeling vaguely guilty about leaving her by Thursday.

Which was why he was now updating the photos in his office (which would also be helpful for when alumni stopped by during the weekend, he thought) and humming "Sweet Caroline" under his breath.

Rory swore that Juliet loved the song. Anakin rather suspected it had something more to do with the guy with the hair and the guitar from Squee singing it.

Either way, the door was open.

Comments

[solo_sword]

She actually hadn't expected any sort of apology, so she might have looked a little surprised at that. "It's the same sort of thing. Like what I'm actually saying doesn't matter in the face of what you already think, or think I should think."

[sith_happened]

"That's because I have a slightly different perspective than you do," Anakin replied, voice soft, "and what you are saying often differs from what you are feeling. Or am I suppose to accept at face value that a month after you felt both of your brothers die, you were completely fine?"

[solo_sword]

"I thought I was," Jaina admitted. Now that she knew better, she could say it with no problem. "It wasn't till a few months ago I realized how messed up I was back then. But I had to do it at my own pace, my own way." She still hadn't cried over it even, but she thought now maybe she didn't need to.

[sith_happened]

"And I know that you'll have your own pace," Anakin said, still quiet. "But I've been a Jedi a very long time. I can't just ignore what my feelings are telling me. I don't except you to come into this office to wail and cry--" he paused to smile at her, "because I'd be looking for gremlin bites, if so, but when you tell me one thing and my instincts are telling me something else, I tend to go with my instincts. Can you understand why?"

[solo_sword]

"Yeah," she agreed. "I do get that. I scared you. I scared a lot of people. I knew I was scaring people even as I was doing it- hi,I freaked out Kyp. But if I couldn't be left alone about it, I couldn't function. It was just too much. The only people I responded to were the ones who left me alone for the most part, or tried to be normal with me. Maybe my mom was just right about me all this time."

[sith_happened]

"What did Leia say?" Anakin asked.

[solo_sword]

"She left me alone so much growing up that I thought she didn't care. She just thought I could handle it all myself. I didn't really get it till after Myrkr, either. She even left me on Hapes when everything was happening; she knew I'd be okay and she'd be around if I wasn't." Funny how the sort of thing Jaina had resented growing up had turned out to be exactly the right thing for her, though she understood most people would never really agree with it.

[sith_happened]

Anakin stared at her, completely gobsmacked. To him, that wasn't parenting, that was abandonment, and some of that probably shone in his eyes.

[solo_sword]

Jaina actually smiled a little. "That's the way I saw it for a long time, too," she said. "But I get it now, on a few levels. And when I was having it rough, I had no problem going to her. That might be another reason we have issues- I don't exactly respond like a normal person, I think."

[sith_happened]

"Sweetheart," Anakin said quietly. "If both of your brothers dying and you going dark side wasn't a problem you could go to her with, what exactly qualifies?"

[solo_sword]

"I didn't even go to her about that," she admitted. "I could have. But I was having other issues, and she was really having problems, though she ended up being right about that, too. My point is, she let me handle things the way I needed to. She was available, but didn't pressure, and now that we understand each other, we don't have problems like that." Maybe that's what she was hoping would happen here, too.

[sith_happened]

Anakin wasn't sure that was Leia trusting Jaina to deal with it on her own as much as it might have been Leia going catatonic for a little bit. "You can see why this wouldn't be anyone else's initial response to seeing a person in pain, right?" he replied.

[solo_sword]

"I do. Which is why I need you to know me and how I work. Otherwise... I'm not great at keeping my emotions in check," she totally and completely understated. "If I don't feel like you're working with me, I'm probably just going to blow up some more." At least she was aware of some of her faults?

[sith_happened]

Anakin nodded. "Are you sure it's you dealing with things in your own time and not just you shoving them away until I give you a reason explode at me?"

[solo_sword]

"Maybe I do shove them away," she said. "I end up dealing with them anyway, whether I want to or not. And it's not specifically you that I... explode at." She made a face, but that was a completely apt description. "You just hit the buttons the most. I'll try better."

[sith_happened]

"You do know there are healthier ways to approach this, right?" Anakin said with a tiny smile. "Talking doesn't actually hurt as much as an amputation."

[solo_sword]

"You can get a prosthetic stuck on when you lose a limb, you can't take back everything you admit to," she pointed out.

[sith_happened]

"Said like someone who's never lost an arm," Anakin replied. "It certainly doesn't have to be to me, but it's amazing the difference it makes to your spirit when you stop holding everything in. I kept a lot of pain inside for a long time, and the only person it hurt was me. And that form of punishment isn't effective."

[solo_sword]

"It's not like I never talk," she said. "And different people hear different things when I do talk, because when I do it, I don't want drama. I just want to say it and move on."

[sith_happened]

"But do you talk about all of it, or just pieces?" Anakin said.

[solo_sword]

"Whatever I'm ready to talk about," Jaina replied. "I don't just dump my problems all over people." And frankly, even if she'd come a long way in addressing certain issues, she didn't see herself starting that anytime soon. She was only trying it now because she felt she had to.

[sith_happened]

"Most people wouldn't view it as you dumping on them," Anakin replied. "It would be you talking about things you've been holding in for years. We can't understand you or how you think if we don't know how you got there."

[solo_sword]

"And that's part of it. There are never ever simple explanations for things. I talk to John, because he knows me and he's seen what it is I deal with all the time. Tahiri's known me long enough to begin with, and add in that she's from about the same time, Rose knows about balancing a job with everything else... It doesn't take explanation, and no one's going to tell me I'm not doing it right. It's just easier sometimes." And she felt bad about that, but it was how it was.

[sith_happened]

Anakin bit back a number of unhelpful comments before replying with a simple, "Uh huh."

Because if she didn't think he didn't understand war, balancing work and family, or life in their home galaxy, there wasn't anything he could do to convince her.

[solo_sword]

"Everyone thinks I work too much, or tells me I need to lighten up. So fine, I try, because it makes them feel better and maybe they'll stop being so concerned. Only that's still not good enough," she said. "I'm doing better than I have since the start of this war. If that's not good enough, then that's too bad. Amazingly that doesn't go over well with people."

And she knew he had issues with her balancing, or at least that was how it seemed, but most of the time now she was fine there.