Office hours [all day]

[sith_happened]

After lightsaber practice with Ben, where Anakin had thumped his grandson around the gym because the boy wouldn't stop smirking about the weekend's sparring session with Luke, Anakin hobbled stalked slowly (stupid knee injury) back to his office.

He'd listened to his messages, so he was a little anxious to see if Raven came in today.

The door was open. The Jedi was grumpy. Just an average Tuesday.

Comments

[solo_sword]

"Getting angry when I'm trying to tell you something," she replied. "I'm not trying to cop an attitude right now, I'm answering your question."

[sith_happened]

"Then believe me when I tell you that I like you, am trying to help you, and don't exactly relish thinking back on what you referred to as my glory days," Anakin replied.

[solo_sword]

"Help me do what?" she asked, honestly curious.

[sith_happened]

He wrinkled up his forehead. How had things gotten this muddled? "Become the best version of yourself that you can be," he said. "What else is family for?"

[solo_sword]

Jaina sat back, staring at him. Of all the things he could have said, she'd have never expected that one. "And how many times have I had to remind you that I'm not you?" she reminded him. "To no avail, I might add. I don't think you know who I am to begin with."

[sith_happened]

Anakin shook his head. "Of course you're not me," he said, his lips quirking up. "You're far too short. You're also not your grandmother, or your uncle. That doesn't mean I don't see glimmers of them inside you, too."

[solo_sword]

Okay, now Jaina was staring harder. "Where has this been for the last kriffing year? You can say it, but you've done absolutely zero to show that you know it."

And by on her reaction, he'd kind of done a number on her with it.

[sith_happened]

"I think that maybe you haven't been looking for it," Anakin replied, keeping his voice even, "because it's been here the entire time. You're Jaina, with your grandmother's drive, and your mother's sense of justice, and--and here's where the problem comes from--my aversion to listening to things I don't want to hear."

[solo_sword]

"No," she said, very seriously because otherwise she was going to get upset in a really not-mad way and she'd be gone before that happened. "You have never stopped comparing me to you, and I have never been able to tell you anything to the contrary. Telling me now like you've somehow known it all along is not going to change any of that. It's only gotten worse and worse in the last year. Do you remember what you said when I told you you just made things worse for me after I came back from the dark side?"

[sith_happened]

Anakin's jaw clenched. He was trying very hard to be reasonable--a not common thing for him to do--but it didn't mean it was pleasant for him to be getting nothing in the way of an acknowledgment that he was trying. "I do, but tell me anyway," he said tightly.

[solo_sword]

"I told you what I needed, and you told me 'no, what you need is...' You couldn't listen that much, because you were too wrapped up in what you would have needed. If you could have taken off those blinders that you always have on that tells you that you're the best at everything and you're always right and you know everything, you might have seen that I was right," Jaina told him, and it was one of the rare times he might be able too sense just how hurt and angry she was about that. "I bounced just fine, entirely without your help. And since then, I haven't really wanted it."

[sith_happened]

Anakin stared at his desk, hoping that words would come to express the confused muddle of disappointment, grief, anger, and almost overwhelming terror he'd felt at the time. There was a reason that he generally stuck to physical outlets when he had the option.

"I'm sorry that I didn't have your casual acceptance that the dark side is something that can be bounced back from on your own," he said finally. "That's not how it worked for me, or for any of the other Jedi I knew of who fell during the Clone Wars. You scared the hell out of me, and there's not a lot that can do that any more."

[solo_sword]

"It's not casual acceptance," Jaina said, raking her hands through her hair in frustration. "This is what I'm saying. If you'd taken one second to even consider how I work instead of thinking about how it was for you or people in your time, you might have done something- anything- to help. Instead you dismissed what I was telling you in all honesty and spent a year being so hypercritical of me and every. thing. I do that John's had to talk me into coming back here more than once."

[sith_happened]

"If it's that much of a hardship for you, then don't do it," Anakin said, frustrated. "I was expressing concern because you had mental shields up that could double as plating on a Super Star Destroyer, were telling me that you were fine with both of your brothers being killed and only expressed remorse about the portions of what you did while you were in the grip of the dark side--not that you ever gave me much in the way of specifics--that didn't work. You then spent the next few months plotting military exercises where death by starfighter was the most probable outcome and would refuse to visit me for weeks at a time if I pointed that out. You shut down completely when I broach subjects that you don't want to talk about, leaving us with flying and the weather, and then wonder why I don't know you? You don't give me a chance to!"

[solo_sword]

"You weren't expressing concern, you were preparing for what would happen when I followed your path," she countered.

And because this part would stick with her, she asked, "You'd really have me not come back?"

[sith_happened]

"Now you're not listening," Anakin retorted, glaring at her. "Do you know how much it takes to scare me any more? You went down a path that I thought you were much too smart to follow. I think I'm allowed to be a little bit terrified by that. But regardless of what you seem to think, I'm not trying to make your life difficult."

[solo_sword]

"Oh, I believe that. You just do anyway. And it's not that I'm not listening, it's just blindingly obvious we're never going to agree. I dealt with it on my own without you, and I'm not going to apologize for dealing with my problems my way," she told him. "No, seriously, answer my question. Would you have me not show up?"

[sith_happened]

Anakin reached up to rub the space between his eyes. He was naming this headache Jaina.

"You're my granddaughter and I love you," he said, sounding completely exhausted. "But you don't talk to me, don't value any of my experiences, and have mentioned numerous times in this conversation what a chore it is to see me. My door is always open to you, but I don't think you want it to be."

[solo_sword]

"I've been showing up here despite all the things I've just said. Despite the fact that in me telling you how I feel about all this, I can't even get a 'I'm sorry you feel that way,' just you explaining why you don't feel you're wrong," Jaina said. "I don't even ask for you to be the one to reach out to me ever because you never have and that's fine. You're family and I've been trying. I can just do without being put down and not listened to all the time or no, I'm not going to want to talk to you."

[sith_happened]

Anakin banged his head into his desk. Twice. "I'm sorry you don't think that I'm listening," he said, looking up. "I'm sorry that my reiteration that I'm trying doesn't make you think that it's true. I'm sorry that I can help other students and can't seem to reach you."

And if that wasn't enough apology, fine. Anakin had his pride, too, and he'd swallowed an awful lot of it today.

[solo_sword]

And once they'd moved onto literal headdesking, there was nothing more to say here. She'd tried explaining and they didn't understand each other and she could really only care so much after pouring her heart out. "I'm done for today," she said, standing.

[sith_happened]

"I figured," Anakin said. "Goodbye, Jaina."

He really hoped it wasn't permanent, but had absolutely no idea where to go from here.