sith_happened | Rocky bits [mid-morning]

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Rocky bits [mid-morning]

It wasn't that Anakin was hiding from anyone so much as he hadn't gone back to the house since class yesterday.

Folded up in his robe and staring out at the ocean, he concentrated on breathing and just getting through one of the worst days on the calendar for him.

Which meant that he wouldn't notice anyone coming up behind him, poor bastard.

[OOC: Locked for Skywalker Family Drama. Conversation topic NFB, who was there, as always, open for the squirrels.]

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For Luke, of course, his father's pain served as a homing beacon as he walked with Leia towards the cliff.

"You really want to do this?" he asked her.

"Of course," Leia said, at least putting up a good show of wanting to do this. "I think I've gone long enough without doing anything about this."

Luke gave her a small smile and reached out for her hand, knowing her a little too well to entirely buy the show. "I'll be right here when you're finished," he said quietly. He tilted his head towards the shadowy figure perched on a rock. "He's over there."

She'd done worse than this. It wasn't even the first time she'd stood face to face with him, forgetting the fact that he'd been a foot and a half taller than her and looked a bit different. She gave Luke a little nod and headed towards the figure, keeping her chin up.

And as soon as she got there, she had no idea how to start this.

Sleep deprivation was a terrible thing.

When Anakin first saw the slight figure with the dark hair and unforgettable eyes approaching him, he thought it was someone else.

"Padmé?" he whispered.

Leia frowned, caught completely off guard by that. "No."

Anakin shriveled a little more into himself for a split second, then straightened his back and reached up to pull the hood from over his head.

"Leia."

She'd been warned- eventually- that he was out of the suit, and looked twenty-five, but it was another thing to actually see him. Especially when she couldn't help but try and pick out certain features. "Wouldn't have wanted to think you'd forgotten me already," she said after a moment, shaking it off.

Anakin chewed his lower lip as his eyes scanned her face. Force, she looked like her mother.

"Never," he said quietly.

She folded her arms, almost uncomfortable even being looked at like that. "Do you have anything to say to me?"

"Where would I start?" Anakin asked. "'I'm sorry' seems more than a little pointless, 'don't hate me' is hopelessly optimistic of me, and 'I've changed' is asking you to put faith in someone you'd never had a reason to before."

He spread his hands helplessly. "You came here. Tell me why."

Leia set her jaw, dropping her arms. "I didn't know anything recently, and then I thought you were dead, and it was all over. When I found out you weren't, I wanted to see for myself."

"Am I as terrible as you imagined?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know, have you participated in any genocides lately?" Leia snapped. "All that time you spent watching as my homeworld was destroyed or anything you did to Han isn't magically better because you look different."

Anakin met her eyes squarely. "I know," he said. "And I can't put Alderaan back together, or make up for what happened to the Wookiees, or bring the Jedi back from the dead. I can only be a better person now, and hope that my actions will someday make up for the enormous damage I inflicted."

He ran a hand through his hair, much like Luke did when he got flustered. "I'm enough of a realist to know that probably won't ever balance out."

"It can't possibly," Leia said. "There's no enough time in the universe. Meanwhile, we're trying to undo at least some of the damage that's occurred over the last twenty years. It's a lot of damage, scaling the galaxy, and it's going to take a long time to put all those societies and lives back together, not just one."

"I know," Anakin said, voice getting a little heated. "I have a list in my head that runs through the names of the dead for me regularly. I've ruined trillions of lives and I have to live with that for the rest of mine."

He dropped his head. "I left the galaxy--and I'm never planning to come back--because I believed that you would do better without me around to cause hysteria." He took a deep breath and looked back into her eyes. "But if you believe your new government would be better served by a trial and execution, I leave that option open for you."

She hadn't expected that. In a million years, she wouldn't have expected that he would put that on her. "It's not my decision to make," she said, voice hard. And she knew if she even suggested it, Luke would have something to say on the matter. "Everyone thinks you're dead. We're moving on."

"Have you moved on, Leia?" Anakin asked, knowing that he had no right to ask the question, "having me for a father?"

"I haven't had much time to even think about it," she retorted. Which was a lie, but she had plenty to distract her when she really didn't want to.

Anakin raised an eyebrow, not buying that for a moment. "Really."

"My father died on Alderaan," Leia said simply. "Anything more than that is too much to ask of me."

That hit Anakin like a punch to the stomach, but very little of it showed in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said. "For all of it."

Leia couldn't stop the shock from registering on her face. Weirdly, it might have helped the tiniest bit it if wasn't for the fact that she was going to have to keep dealing with this, and the aftermath of everything he'd had a part of. "Sorry isn't enough," she said quietly, though her voice didn't waver at all.

Anakin dropped his head. "I never thought it would be," he said softly.

June 9 was still a banner day for things going wrong with his life.

"Then why bother?" Leia asked. "What do you gain from it?"

Anakin blinked. "You're my daughter," he whispered finally. "What else do I need to gain?"

"How long did you know? Did that matter before?"

She wasn't going to like the answer. He told her anyway.

"On Bespin," he said, "when you called out for Luke...I figured out why you looked so familiar."

She didn't like the answer.

"So the answer to my second question is no."

"I stopped hurting you," he said. "...I didn't know how you felt about Han."

She shook her head quickly, not happy with that. "You used me as a bargaining tool."

"I used a lot of people," Anakin said sadly. "I took Luke up to Palpatine."

Leia was amazed that she managed not to shudder. "And you want to what? Make up for things like that?"

Anakin shrugged helplessly. "Luke seems to think I can."

Luke was an idealist. And his experiences had been slightly different than hers. "It's a lot," she reminded him.

Anakin nodded. "Luke's very young," he said quietly, giving Leia a look, "even though you are the same age. I made you grow up too quickly, and for that I apologize, too."

"You had nothing to do with how I grew up," Leia said, but it was a little less harsh. She wasn't any less upset, but she had less of an idea what to do with so many apologies.

Anakin's eyes shone with pride. "You were one of the youngest Imperial Senators," he said, "and a constant thorn in the Emperor's side. You are smart and determined and speak your mind."

He nodded his head formally at her. "You are very much your mother's daughter, Leia."

That hit probably harder than he'd meant it to. Or maybe he had meant it.

"I wouldn't know," she said, and turned on her heel to start heading back to Luke.

And that's my fault, too, he thought to himself.

But he was getting tired of apologizing.

"Don't waste your time resenting me," he said, tone firm. He saw himself in her, too. "Learn a lesson. I never meant to become what I was--it's a lot easier to fall than anyone wants to think about."

She turned back towards him and said, "I've spent a lot of time in the last few years learning lessons from you, and what I will never be. Don't concern yourself about that."

That hurt more than Anakin had expected it to.

He nodded and turned his head away. "If you'd prefer it that way," he said softly.

Leia gave one quick nod, and without another word, continued back towards her brother.

Luke jumped up from his perch on a nearby rock and gave her a searching look before holding his arms out, just in case she needed a hug.

"I'm okay," Leia said with a nod and a tight little smile, mostly because she didn't want to give Anakin the satisfaction of thinking she wasn't okay.

Luke gave her a small smile, but brushed his shoulder against hers as they walked away.

"I know," he said softly.

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Rocky bits [mid-morning]

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